Who am I? hmmmm I used to have a “100 things about me” on my LJ profile but I removed it, I suppose that told people a fair bit about the kind of person that I am, nothing in depth but certainly you could get an idea from it.
I am beginning to think that I am not the person that I thought I was. In my early to mid 30’s I though I was content and happy, not a care in the world, 2 kids that were good and made me happy, accept that I had a large loan around my neck and money was pretty shit, apart from that I was good.
Just before my 40’s I started getting down, I think it was the hitting 40 that was the cause, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, It happened to us all (if you wasn’t knifed or shot as a teenager of course) and I thought it would go away, it didn’t go away, it was still there at 41. Sex life was crap…in fact it was really crap, kids (in my eyes) had turned into little shits (well one of them at least) and life was crap, I am 42 in June and although I still have my moments I think and hope that I am coming out the other side to that now. Although my dad being ill probably causes some stress even though I never really got on with the guy for most of my life.
I am a lazy person, it frustrates me that I am a lazy person but I cannot seem to do anything about it. I have no drive, no get up and go, or if I do get into something I get bored and quickly drop it.
I am punctual, if I arrange to meet someone at 6 I am there at 5.45 and I expect others to be the same. If I cannot get there at that time I call well in advance and am very apologetic.
I am a daydreamer and a wannabe. I am always wishing for something thinking that it will happen; I know full well that sounds like I am around 5 years old, but I cannot help it, I wish I had a better education, better job, more money, more this, more that and yet my laziness and apathy hold me back from achieving anything, I don’t think that my education was that good and I have trouble studying.
I am sure there is more to me, but I cannot think of anything offhand, so feel free to ask anything your curious about or want to know, I tend to be open, too open sometimes I think.
A mummer's farce, and and educated barbarian. A charlatan and a knight in battered armour. I'm a patchwork human, a brigand, and a king. I am the inverted gentleman, the modern day Don Quixote in commoner's garb. I am a smile where others weep, and I am the frown in the midst of revelry. I am the bloodthirsty saint and the cowardly warlord. I am no man's hand but my own. I am the voice of reason singing the song if illogical conclusions. I am the little voice at the end of the day that politely asks if there is room in your head for one more, and the primal scream warning of dangers in the shadows and fire. I am the shield behind which the strong hide, and the sword at the throats of the innocent. I am the hero with the mind of a murderer. I am a fool.
Inside, I am who I think I am. Outside, I am what people think of me. In the end, who I am is not as important as my gestalt self: who I am, what I am, what I do, why I do it, and how people and I agree and disagree to see it, among other considerations.
I'm Amanda. I am who I am, and I'll be whatever you perceive me to be. I will not define who I perceive me to be, I let people figure it out for themselves. Stubborn, awkward or mysterious? You decide. :p
A mother, a girlfriend/wife (I'm closer to being his wife than just a gf), a threapist, a doctor, a friend, a maid, a chauffeur, the mechanic, a handy(wo)man, and the cook. I'm 43, look 33, and act 23. I'm optimistic, outgoing, happy 95% of the time, look forward to the future, have goals set for the next couple years, and always wake up and think that life is just glorious. I love life. I won't be around until I'm 80 or 100, so I have to enjoy my life NOW.
I am a single teardrop of indifference in a sea of rats racing. I am petty and profound, loving and spiteful, hard core and soft hearted. I am the culmination of your wildest dreams, and your worst nightmares, undeniably brilliant, and a world class dunce. I am compassionate beyond measure, and more cruel than even I can bear. I am quite proud yet constantly embarrassed, aware yet unfocused, conceptually powerful yet inherently lazy. I am the mule upon whom those who cannot walk will ride, a leaning leaning post, a safety net with a few loose threads, an ear wider than a mile and deeper than whatever you’re suffering.
I am a beacon of light, dimmed by lack of maintenance, a warrior and lover, a hawk riding on the wings of a dove. I am sappy, sedentary and salacious… competent, conservative and curmudgeonly… honor bound, heritage embroiled and heartsick. I am a pebble tossed into the ocean of mankind, long since having rippled the surface of life and faded from view .
I am manly, and not, frightening, and less, understandable, on occasion. I am the best friend of any who would have me; two have. I am the sails of the ship of fantasy, the wind that blows gently, then not so; warm and comforting, then frigid and foreboding. I am life, and death, and the pendulum between.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-22 11:17 am (UTC)I am beginning to think that I am not the person that I thought I was. In my early to mid 30’s I though I was content and happy, not a care in the world, 2 kids that were good and made me happy, accept that I had a large loan around my neck and money was pretty shit, apart from that I was good.
Just before my 40’s I started getting down, I think it was the hitting 40 that was the cause, I knew that there was nothing I could do about it, It happened to us all (if you wasn’t knifed or shot as a teenager of course) and I thought it would go away, it didn’t go away, it was still there at 41. Sex life was crap…in fact it was really crap, kids (in my eyes) had turned into little shits (well one of them at least) and life was crap, I am 42 in June and although I still have my moments I think and hope that I am coming out the other side to that now. Although my dad being ill probably causes some stress even though I never really got on with the guy for most of my life.
I am a lazy person, it frustrates me that I am a lazy person but I cannot seem to do anything about it. I have no drive, no get up and go, or if I do get into something I get bored and quickly drop it.
I am punctual, if I arrange to meet someone at 6 I am there at 5.45 and I expect others to be the same. If I cannot get there at that time I call well in advance and am very apologetic.
I am a daydreamer and a wannabe. I am always wishing for something thinking that it will happen; I know full well that sounds like I am around 5 years old, but I cannot help it, I wish I had a better education, better job, more money, more this, more that and yet my laziness and apathy hold me back from achieving anything, I don’t think that my education was that good and I have trouble studying.
I am sure there is more to me, but I cannot think of anything offhand, so feel free to ask anything your curious about or want to know, I tend to be open, too open sometimes I think.
Edited, I am never satisfied.
Date: 2008-01-22 11:52 am (UTC)I am Tucker Dean Nelson, and I am a free man.
Ambassador Kosh could never replace Roger Daltrey
Date: 2008-01-22 12:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-22 10:07 pm (UTC)I am a beacon of light, dimmed by lack of maintenance, a warrior and lover, a hawk riding on the wings of a dove. I am sappy, sedentary and salacious… competent, conservative and curmudgeonly… honor bound, heritage embroiled and heartsick. I am a pebble tossed into the ocean of mankind, long since having rippled the surface of life and faded from view .
I am manly, and not, frightening, and less, understandable, on occasion. I am the best friend of any who would have me; two have. I am the sails of the ship of fantasy, the wind that blows gently, then not so; warm and comforting, then frigid and foreboding. I am life, and death, and the pendulum between.
And if this proves nothing else…
I am a writer.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 08:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 08:29 pm (UTC)I like you :D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-14 03:03 am (UTC)