Question of the Day

[ayoub]

In what topics do you find yourself unable to understand and accept an opposing view?

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There is no such thing as an acceptable level of collateral damage in my view.

Comments

[chandos.livejournal.com]

I can agree with a lot of what folks have already said, but my current bafflement is how men get the shaft when a couple divorces, particularly if there is a child involved.

The women gets custody of the children, the guy has to fork over more then half his pay in child support and/or alimony even if the woman has a job and is capable of supporting herself and any children. (This gets to me even more if it's the woman who is initiating the divorce.)

So the guy doesn't get to see his kid as much, has to live like a college student because most of his earnings are going to the ex. It's not fair, it's not right, the guy gets the shaft.

I haven't heard an argument made that would make me change my mind on this.

[deleted a massive rant]
A collegue is going through a divorce at the moment which has brought all this frustration with the system back to the surface.

[bluesgirly.livejournal.com]

I do agree with this too. Fathers get reamed.

[juciest.livejournal.com]

Not all fathers. I know plenty of mothers who pay child support.

And when a parent who is ordered to pay support refuses and the courts sit on their asses and do nothing, the children are the ones who suffer and the custodial parent works her (or his) ass off to support those children alone.

[nikki--nicole.livejournal.com]

Wow...that's harsh, what country do you live in?

[ayoub.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on this!

[theblackwreath.livejournal.com]

I left my husband 7 months ago taking our 2 year old child because he was/is an alcoholic, abusive and violent.
He threatened to kill himself and me on several occasions so he has to have supervised visits to our son as he is considered unstable while he is still drinking.

After about 4 months, he finally started paying me maintenance of £30 a week.

I left with nothing, he kept the house and everything in it, I'm the one who had to start again and try and rebuild a life for me and our child while he carries on drinking £100 a week and manages to buy himself a brand new laptop a couple of weeks after I left even though he apparantly couldn't afford to pay maintenance.

Can you please tell me why he is the one being shafted?

[chandos.livejournal.com]

There are circumstances where my the guy obviously isn't getting the shaft (and I didn't think I had to spell this out), and based on what you have written, your situation is one of those. Obviously I should have stated my opinion more clearly as you aren't the only one to find fault with my comment.

[theblackwreath.livejournal.com]

I haven't heard an argument made that would make me change my mind on this.

It was only that comment that made it unclear.
Thank you anyway.

[sabotabby]

Maybe an anecdote will help.

My father abused my mother emotionally and physically, in front of me. (In the most dramatic incident, he threw her down the stairs, hit her so hard that she had a black eye for a week, and then unplugged the phone and threw it down the stairs when I, then eight years old, threatened to call the police.) He had multiple affairs behind her back, potentially exposing her to STDs. He was able to use their marriage to get into her personal bank account and steal money from her.

He was frequently unemployed, which was mostly his own damned fault, at least judging from how he acted at home. He showed no interest in parenting, leaving my mother the burden of not only being the primary wage-earner most of the time, but also doing almost all of the child-rearing. Occasionally he would "baby-sit" his own kid. She had dropped out of university, short-circuiting a promising career, to marry him and start a family.

When they divorced, she got primary custody and he got visitation (every other weekend). He also had to pay something like $300/month child support. This, he considered an onerous burden, so he just didn't pay most of the time, eventually moving across the country so she couldn't collect. He told my mother that he'd rather have us both out on the streets than pay child support. To this date, he owes me several thousand dollars which I will never see, despite him now being a very wealthy man. I am out of his will and he forgets that I exist most of the time.

Now, that's my story. This is why it's an issue that I cannot compromise on. But here are some more general arguments.

• Women still do the majority of child-rearing.

• Even if childcare and expenses are divided evenly, which is seldom the case, the career ramifications (many women still get the shaft with hiring and promotions because their employers think they will have kids and leave, not to mention the financial damage that maternity leave takes) are more serious for women.

• Courts will hear arguments in favour of palimony and child support to a male custodial parent. I know this because, guess what, my step-dad was the custodial parent for his three kids.

• Child support is not to "support the ex." It's to support the child. Assuming the kid wasn't one of those mythical "oopsie babies" (this doesn't happen because the cost of raising a child outweighs whatever child support you're going to get), both of the parents chose to have sex, chose to not have an abortion, and chose to not give it up for adoption. That means that the resulting child is both their responsibilities, regardless of who has custody of it.

• You have no idea what goes on in the homes of others. Maybe your colleague beats the shit out of his wife and that's why she's initiating the divorce. My father's colleagues thought that he was a totally nice guy and didn't know about the abuse and the stealing and the cheating. And even if it's her "fault" (it's seldom the fault of one individual that a marriage doesn't work out), it's in no way the fault of their child, and the child should not be punished with poverty.

Shorter sabotabby: Children are people, not property. Parents who whine about child support are selfish and irresponsible and should never have spawned in the first place.