I'm never one for short answers though. As much as I hate to use livejournal as a benchmark, it's how we know eachother, so go with what you got. I sometimes (sorta) regret nuking my old beastofbourbon and wayback "hypovex" entries because although I really try to avoid looking back on the past, it sorta chronicles a very clear conscious shift from 7 years ago until now.
I was raised with a belief of what is "normal" or what makes a man "honorable". You're supposed to get a job, find a woman, get married, raise kids, etc, etc. I mean, that's what EVERYONE wants right? I would say for the vast majority of my life until less than 10 years ago, every move I made was the product of what I thought other people might approve of. I wasn't living my own life. I was just following a script.
I would say that back then (when I first started posting here), I was neck deep crawling my way out of everything I was raised to believe was true or right. My 1st tendency is to be very stubborn and it was very difficult to accept that my view of the world, people, and life was not necessarily accurate. I felt that I had been lied to, I wanted people to blame. I had completely and with violent emotion, rejected the religious faith I was raised with (which was a huge part of my upbringing).
From there on out, my views became: there is no god, the world is cold, cruel, and my only friend is a good bottle of jameson. I was pissed off, miserable, and I wanted to take everyone down with me (misery loves company).
Today, I still reject the religion I was raised with, but much more peacefully. I don't blame anybody. Whether alcoholic, religious fanatic, or the stuff cheesy stuff sitcoms are made out of, our parents are what they knew how to be at the time. I don't blame anyone for the misery I put myself through 8-9 years ago. Religously, I'm not atheist anymore. I would call myself something more of an open-minded agnostic. I accept that my view on people and relationships was naive (or better yet: just ignorant).
What's the result of this? Absolute independence. Accepting that everything that happens in the world that I do not directly control, happens independently of my opinion of it. I'm not interested in controlling anybody and I'm not concerned with being right all the time. My ego takes a back seat to my passion for life.
What changed? Empirical observation and listening to some people who made some really fine points on reality, existence, and how we (I) view the world. Most notably Wayne Dyer. He catches a lot of flack from the christian community because he quotes the bible in such a way that does not reflect their religious views, but even if you stripped all of the spiritual stuff from his lectures, he still makes some points that are nothing less than a mental/spiritual kick in the ass. Anyway, It really woke me up to a lot of things about myself that I just never saw or hadn't considered. Anyway, I'm not trying to pimp Wayne Dyer here, but he has been a huge influence for me in that regard.
I'm not perfect, but I'm better than I used to be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-27 08:39 pm (UTC)I'm never one for short answers though. As much as I hate to use livejournal as a benchmark, it's how we know eachother, so go with what you got. I sometimes (sorta) regret nuking my old beastofbourbon and wayback "hypovex" entries because although I really try to avoid looking back on the past, it sorta chronicles a very clear conscious shift from 7 years ago until now.
I was raised with a belief of what is "normal" or what makes a man "honorable". You're supposed to get a job, find a woman, get married, raise kids, etc, etc. I mean, that's what EVERYONE wants right? I would say for the vast majority of my life until less than 10 years ago, every move I made was the product of what I thought other people might approve of. I wasn't living my own life. I was just following a script.
I would say that back then (when I first started posting here), I was neck deep crawling my way out of everything I was raised to believe was true or right. My 1st tendency is to be very stubborn and it was very difficult to accept that my view of the world, people, and life was not necessarily accurate. I felt that I had been lied to, I wanted people to blame. I had completely and with violent emotion, rejected the religious faith I was raised with (which was a huge part of my upbringing).
From there on out, my views became: there is no god, the world is cold, cruel, and my only friend is a good bottle of jameson. I was pissed off, miserable, and I wanted to take everyone down with me (misery loves company).
Today, I still reject the religion I was raised with, but much more peacefully. I don't blame anybody. Whether alcoholic, religious fanatic, or the stuff cheesy stuff sitcoms are made out of, our parents are what they knew how to be at the time. I don't blame anyone for the misery I put myself through 8-9 years ago. Religously, I'm not atheist anymore. I would call myself something more of an open-minded agnostic. I accept that my view on people and relationships was naive (or better yet: just ignorant).
What's the result of this? Absolute independence. Accepting that everything that happens in the world that I do not directly control, happens independently of my opinion of it. I'm not interested in controlling anybody and I'm not concerned with being right all the time. My ego takes a back seat to my passion for life.
What changed? Empirical observation and listening to some people who made some really fine points on reality, existence, and how we (I) view the world. Most notably Wayne Dyer. He catches a lot of flack from the christian community because he quotes the bible in such a way that does not reflect their religious views, but even if you stripped all of the spiritual stuff from his lectures, he still makes some points that are nothing less than a mental/spiritual kick in the ass. Anyway, It really woke me up to a lot of things about myself that I just never saw or hadn't considered. Anyway, I'm not trying to pimp Wayne Dyer here, but he has been a huge influence for me in that regard.
I'm not perfect, but I'm better than I used to be.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-07-28 09:03 am (UTC)